nth worth believing in

yet another sucky school day.

kenna kan-ed early in t morning for no fucking apparent reason.
ppl arnd me were talking but i only said 1 sentence after th fucking lesson started.
1 motherfucking sentence got me into trouble w th ppl who were chatting on&on.

smljknnbccb

yoohs! i havent been updating for suuuuper long rite? rofl

t major-est events i still rmb include

1. upsetting a whole glass of water on a lady and her laptop at t start of an event during work/
- cried lk a stupid after tt & got laughed at by t mgrs&captns when i was alright alr
2. emergency shopping for jacket suit for bese tmr>.<
3. spending a whole effing lot of money on idk what
4. sucky ssm today
- failed grooming cause they say cant wear headband(others wear boh daiji leh smlj) & my lipstick not being red enuf.
- breaking 2 plates and breaking down aft tt cause everyone had to redo the "practice" cause of me. sibey fuck up.
5. laughing hysterically at pics from.... w KH in lab after ssm when we were supp to print stuffs.

i hate ssm.
i wish i nv got into tp.
& i think i sprained my leg. fucks.

school's gna be pretty bad this tyme.
results gna suck.
not bad a conclusion for t first week uh?
pretty pissed w ssm and shyts. buaytahan.
& t subjects.. optional textbooks which are claimed to be impt & cost meffing 50+++ bucks from what t tcher say.
srsly.. still got to buy thisthisthat and pay for thatthatthis.

school just started and i feel lk giving up alr.
it feels pretty pointless to keep asking myself to jy and stuff lk tt cause id rather nt try and fail thn put in my effort and do badly.
still, ive no intentions of retaking any single shyt esp ssm
fucking stuck in t middle..

knnarhx

im upset because im deprived of hugs for a freaking long time alr.
4long days.
thought we cld finally have some time tgt after work but P had to stay back.
i cldn cause of school and "house rules". plus im effing sick now.

feeling so alone=(
big bouncy baby blue isnt making me feel any btr.
i want hugs frm dear only.

& i wonder if we gna drif apart to t extent tt it wont matter anymore whether we are tgt.
worriedworriedworried.

f school. f work. f my f-ed up life.
dad said im a fk up t moment i stepped into t house.
srsly pissed me off at t wrong time.
im so not letting this go easily

4hours plus of slp.

school's starting. not w a bang but w ssm.
im a sad kid cause of ssm.
shyty way to start school>(

anw, to t luckier peeps out there, JIAYOU!

i hope ive packed evt i need for t godforsaken lesson.

town w momok ytd will be updated at a later date.
goodnight

thanks for bringing me t smiles(:

work on fri&sat were fulfiling enough despite my crazy "behind t scenes" moments.
luckily i wasnt nuts when it came to serving t ppl xD
M's bullying makes me smile at times cause it brings me back to t kiddy days.

splurging makes me smile. even if only before i realised i bought smth i dont need & start worrying abt having not enough dollars.
hung out alone after work on fri. fep>bugis>Esplanade
t walk from cityhall to Espd reminded me of t fun times t 4 of us had tgt. really love u guys (kh,sithu,patrick) and i hope u will all be happy no matter what.
rmb laughing at kh and complaining abt how sithu's "reaching soon" is sooooo far from t truth.
rmb cabbing down to find sithu after sentosa tho it seemed lk a mistake afterall. t night ended badly & 4 of us nv went out tgt after tt alr.

sitting at our usual spot really brought back mmrs which hit me as i drifted between thoughts,
saw an elderly English couple who were real sweet, exchanging hugs and long kisses while in a world of their own. t husband even helped t wife put on her shoes when they were abt to leave.
cant help but wish to have t same happy marriage in future tho this encounter reminded me even more of how lonely i was.
hp died on me so i was really uhm... alone? sucks to have thoughts as my only companions-.-

time w wj ytd made me smile desite t rs&sch blues.
dnt knw how i had tears in my eyes when i woke up.
cancelled work (sorry for not turning up last min but i really cldn bring myself to go for some reasons)
called P cause M said he had to replace me if i cant make it (ended up M was oni jk w me-.-)
despite t laughs during t call, i cant help but realise how lil we truely understand each other. P really dont know when im srs abt stuff. cnt help but compare how wj wld noe instantly when smth i bring up really matter to me even if i say it jokingly. P doesnt but continue making a joke out of it.
idk whether to be happy that my hints are not picked up so i keep my troubles to myself or be upset that t lvl of understanding i need just isnt there.

wj met me when i was buying stuff for ssm.
really made my day by just being there. thanks yinyang juu(:

-
there's so many things i need to say, need to be assured of & need to know.
i really need to know that u love me, that i am impt to u too.
i need our rs to be defined. either that we're just friends or a couple.
i really need to know if im single or attached.
it sucks to be hovering in between, not knowing what to say when ppl ask if im single.
single but unavailable sounds stupid and always invites a "why" which im unwilling to explain.
sucks saying im attached when really, all tt im truly attached to is a softtoy.
i want to know what we mean to u cause ive really had enough of t insecurity and uncertainty.
if we're just friends to u, id move on to another rs w a guy who can treat me t way i want to be treated if i meet one. not deprive me nd him of a chance cause im hopelessly stuck in a rs which is one-sided.
& if we're a couple, i'll be more firm in keeping a dist from other guys.

u really have no idea do u?

quite pissed off..

i think t whole world noes tt i dun get along w my father's family (yea.. HIS family. ive got nth except to share t same surname-.-)
pretty stupid for me to get pissed over this but really, i dont feel lk attending his sister's son's wedding.
i dont even effing get along w my cousins. imagine surviving on pitiful stares for not fitting in (not lk i wanted to fit in in t first place) during cny each yr. it's no wonder that i dont want to see them again until th next yr when it is customary and only polite to meet.

BUT mum said i cant give my cousin's wedding a miss.
& to add insult to it, laoniang has to shop for an outfit for t wedding. sucks ttm. if i rather t dollars go to yingting's shopping fund (for things i really want)
no clothes to recycle. i rummaged tru my cupboard. theyve seen me in t outfits i deem fit for t occassion & ive no intentions of wearing t clothes i go to school in assuming im obliged (or to put it rather bluntly, Forced) to attend t function.

i see no reason why i have to put in t effort to go.
why sld i put myself tru t sheer torture of plastering a smile on my make-up-caked face while oh-so graciously congratulating ppl who constantly put me down for not taking my Alvls?
i dont even know t bride & ive spoken less thn 50 sentences w t groom including t "Happy New Year" each year since i cld talk.
dont understand what's w t "u have to go cause it's ur cousin's wedding".
i doubt i even recognise him if we walked pass each other on t streets.

pretty cruel to say this but i feel more happiness for t sweet loveydovey couples whose weddings i work in although they are strangers cause i get paid for my efforts in being present and more importantly, i dont see th ugly side of them.
besides, some of t couples are tgt for yrs and their union is lk t swtest dream come true.
ok.. perhaps i sld be a lil more congratulatory towards this soon-to-be-married couple cause at least, my cousin isnt marrying my younger bro's ex-teacher who used to be a trainee in my sec school-.-
still.. fk attending a wedding displaying an array of ppl i so do not fancy seeing.
i see more point in making a conversation w my softtoys.

starting to pray hard that i gna uhms.. suffer from a massive hangover (: wanted to say smth lk fall sick but a hangover's better cause it gna be worth th fun & allows me to miss t wedding at t same time.
lalala! feeling so much happier now tt ive got a plan.
pray for me to get fcking drunk on labour day PLEASE! tyvmilu.

dont give me shyt lk if i dont go, i'll prolly offend t whole grp of them and they wun turn up at my wedding in future.
i dont intend to invite them. ve got plans to keep my wedding a small gathering of close family and frens instead of making it some rowdy social event.
guest list will only include my immediate family members, grand aunts&uncles whom im close to, my maternal aunt&uncle w their family, mum's frens whom i know and am close to/ my mum's VERY close to, my veryvery good frens.
my part of t guest list wldn exceed 100 pax. doubt it'll make it to 70.
my husband can invite whoever is impt to him. i dont mind if it's twice that of my family and frens.
just dont wna see ppl i dont wish to see on my wedding day/ ppl who are coming because they have to.
isnt it so much btr to receive heartfelt blessings?(:

你不是不能给我我真正想要的, 而是你从未明白它对我有多么重要.

bugis>town.
was stuck in t library cause of t heavy rain and neither of us brought an umbrella.
poor P was tired out but still acc-ed me arnd.
super big silly rite?>.<
but not P and i both have noisy monsters (ipod nano/shuffle) in t same colour((:

somehow frm what hpnd, i know tt u care but idk if it's t love i want.
ive still got t nagging fear of losing u when school starts tho u keep saying it gna be ok.
i noe im nt t best for u but im still selfishly hoping that we cld be meant for each other (im sorry)

&i hate it when ppl ask if ive got a bf now.
all i can do is to smile and say im lesbian & attached as convincingly as possible because idk what our rs is to u.

so many things, so little memory space in my tiny brain.

feels lk i havnt updated for a long time but i cant rmb what went on t past few? days.
think theyre mostly filled w moments in which i miss hugs but are deprived.
(we didnt meet much other thn at work, we stayed back till diff times etc)
pretty much pissed off at times w t way i want to get cuddles nearly all t time.

ytd was hilarious but it ended pretty badly.
Kh, S and i went to collect our ssm uniforms before heading to FEP
spent a whole load of dollars in a shop (esp kh whose expenditure was t total of s and mine)
she's a shopping queen lor!
& we were late for word cause 1) we over-shopped 2) t aunty was super slow in calculating payments-.-

half ran to Marriot where we were laughing our ass-es off at KH's fake bun & um... ladyboy outlook. ROFL.

Mariott D&D was nice.. first time i realised tt there are sooo many lengzais working there xDD
wheeets! we had icecream while working & watching performances. FUN-ess
BQT TEAM ROCKS! Harvey & guls (gal+guy). they were SUPER SEXY in their girlish performance considering tt they are actually guys.
damndamn funny <3
t other performances were also whistles&claps
first time work was soooooo fun tho i was having stomach cramps.

got into some sort of a quarrel/misunderstanding/ wdv w P after tt.
left me pretty upset/pissed/pretty fked up over idk what exactly.
thx kh for chatting w me over t fone lol.
(im still feeling quite -ve abt this whole thing)

school's starting soon.
i srsly feel lk dropping out cause laoniang has no intentions of getting kan-ed at ssm.
plus it wld mean less time to slack, less time w P (when we're alr not getting much time)
oh wdv fucks.

all i want in my next rs. (from NANA)

Shin said Yasu was smart, for t way he provoked Ren so that Ren wld contact Nana again to give them a chance to patch things up.
Nobu asked to learn t tactic.
Yasu: "Dont u realise that im an idiot?"
Had he wanted Nana too but decided to give her the chance to experience th happiness that only Ren cld give her? only because he loved Nana so much he wanted her to be truly happy even if he had wanted her as his gf? sigh..

A guy who wld love me more thn he loves himself. A guy who wld make me his priority.
-
Back thn, i kept saying that i didnt want to fall in love ever again.
However, no matter how hard and painful it was, i wanted to live that dream again.
I wanted to love someone deeply.

Someone who is able to make me love him un-reservedly.
-
Th nxt time i fall in love, a guy who is abit cold will be fine (w me)
A guy who wont satisfy all my selfish desires.
However, the day after a quarrel, he will give me a flower and tell me that he loves me.

A person who will love me enough to not only pamper me but teach me how to see things from other perspectives but notice that i needed reassurance that he wants me to know how and why he feels strongly for t issues because he loves me, not because he was being th typical ego male.
-

& lastly, a guy who wld reach for me t moment he woke up, getting up anxiously to look for me if i were not by his side when he woke up, because he'd worry tt he had lost me. (assuming i had spent the night w him)

i cant believe im actually blogging when i know ive loads to say but am too moody to really say anth much.

1. would u believe tt yt actually went to t playground, started playing w kids and even found them cute?
-yep. i did tt w P & totally fell in love w t way P looks when playing and handling them.
will not forget tt nite. t gal's super kawaii her bro cld play soccer btr thn me. damnz

2. sucky work moments do exist.
-was expressionless during OT from t irritation at having plans for t nite pretty disrupted. t oni gd thing was tt Moe made us his signature strawberry milkshake (it's just mmm.. not as fab as we imagined it wld be but still, THANKS MOE xD)
- ytd night was a mfking disaster which rendered t idiotic me crying in a corner for awhile. really grateful to those who tried comforting me (Everest, MomoZin, Akar, Patrick & my laopa+Kh who were my partners) Everest gave me tissue and sweet. so nice rite?

contemplating not to work tmr. pretty disappointed at my work perf & i highly doubt t guests gna be nicer.

short but sweet(:

met Chinhui at Vivo for Ju-on after lk soooo long of not meeting.
muaahaha! rmb t last time? i ps-ed him xP
srsly.. t show was freakish, nt scary so i was quite dumb to have scream-squeal wdv it was
afterall, it's "not very significant" -quoted frm Mr Low Chinhui

Forever21, topshop, Fox,Esprit,Ripcurl & NUM -ed
I SOOOO LOVE THAT HOLEY TOP in F21 tho we kept laughing at its holey-ness. GRAH!
i swear im inspired to cut holes in my tops (slap me if i ever get down to it for real)

wonder if he had dinner.
had family dinner and i concluded tt he wld hate me if his mum didn prepare his share-> me being sad cause he hates me.
at that point of time, it was pretty much overrated and "in advance"
still, i wonder if there was a need for me to be sad afterall.. hmmm...

maybe i'll get myself upset over th fats im putting on w my food addiction lately.
mmm...

goodnights.

劉若英 - 我們沒有在一起

你一直說的那個公園已經拆了
還記得蕩著秋千日子就飛起來
漫漫的下午陽光都在臉上撒野
你那傻氣我真是想念

那時候小小的你還沒學會嘆氣
誰又會想到他們現在喊我女王
你哈哈笑的樣子倒是一點沒變
時間走了誰還在等呢

這杯咖啡忘了加糖
真不是我那麼傷感
世界太復雜你說單純很難
我當然都明白

可是呀只有你曾陪我在最初的地方
只有你才能了解我要的夢從來不大
我們沒有在一起至少還像情侶一樣
我痛的瘋的傷的在你面前哭得最慘

我知道你也不能帶我回到那個地方
你說你現在很好而且喜歡回憶很長
我們沒有在一起至少還像家人一樣
總是遠遠關心遠遠分享

那條路走呀走呀走呀總要回家
兩只手握著晃呀晃呀舍不得放
你不知道吧后來后來我都在想
跟你走吧管它去哪呀

這杯咖啡忘了加糖
真不是我那麼傷感
世界太復雜你說單純很難
我當然都明白

可是呀只有你曾陪我在最初的地方
只有你才能了解我要的夢從來不大
我們沒有在一起至少還像情侶一樣
我痛的瘋的傷的在你面前哭得最慘

我知道你也不能帶我回到那個地方
你說你現在很好而且喜歡回憶很長
我們沒有在一起至少還像家人一樣
總是遠遠關心遠遠分享

可是呀只有你曾陪我在最初的地方
只有你才能了解我要的夢從來不大
我們沒有在一起至少還像情侶一樣
我痛的瘋的傷的在你面前哭得最慘

我知道你也不能帶我回到那個地方
你說你現在很好而且喜歡回憶很長
我們沒有在一起至少還像家人一樣
總是遠遠關心遠遠分享

我們沒有在一起至少還像朋友一樣
你遠遠的關心其實更長

crazy but this song's replaying in my head.
super shyts cause it makes me pretty moody.
i rmb some random night i kept playing it and crying x.x

& i think propeepan is sad now too.
she's sick & sad.
cheer up propeepanmeishan! get well soon!
& i miss u (i think i miss calling u poon may san more leh xD)

random. zzzz.
i think im just bored.
no, im moody too. but over what? a song?
no. i doubt so. im thinking too freaking much i cant get my thots in line.
so stupid to not comprehend my own thots.
grahs. im pissing myself off.
THOTS! PLEASE QUEUE UP ok? Collect ur number tags & STOP CONFUSING ME.

dllmhgc.

moody from less thn satisfactory shopping.

vivo-ed w family. had dinner @ Breeks Cafe.
shopping sucked.
bought nothing.
was supp to cab home bt daddy kpkb end up take bus. dl ttm.
escaped into my own world, ignoring everyone while blasting music from my noisy monster(:
tt was t only nice part i guess.. being in my own world while living in t real world.

& my mood didn improve cause some ppl kept kp-ing me for not picking up calls/ replying msgs.
ombre maieneh srsly..
it's not like ure dying and need me to save ur life.
even so, IF ure really dying & can still call someone, common sense has it that u dial for a fking ambulance, not me.
i'll get t msg tt ure in hospital ultimately right? (ok.. super heartless but t way u guys get at me for mia-ing is pissing me off. laoniang dont go mia for th sake of going mia. it's either im just set on ignoring ppl/ im moody/ ive got nth to say to u/ im too lazy to talk)

i'm not fking obliged to pick up ur calls/ reply ur msgs, whoever ure.
get this straight.
i'm not ur babysitter & im not paid to do so.
u can ignore my calls & msgs in return if it pleases u.
forgodsake just dun get on my nerves.
spare me t lecture, vulgarities a sacarstic remarks.
u can draw me somewhere and start cursing me if u really need to let out t anger of being ignored.
do anything but just dun get at me for ignoring u.
it's not lk i'll pay attention to u after tt unless im in t mood to (highly doubtful).
as u can see, id rather blog thn talk

sheesh.
smlj.

omfg. i stayed at home for t whole day.

dying from t cooped up feeling.
i hate staying at home now. idk why.
i'd rather be out even if it means sitting at a void deck listening to music while reading a book.

wanted to head out to library/bugis on my own (whichever suits my mood) & my mum had to call and make it a family thing.
sucks ttm.
i wna be alone today.

grahs. i want to spend all my money shopping so i wun be tempted to spend on food.
fats. ugh.
black hair t day after tmr. smlj. i hate HTM.
i wonder y i took this course when i wasnt going to SHATEC for it. fug me.

random moodswing.
forgive me. i think th ups and downs these days are getting to me.

it brought me up to a happier world & i wonder why i gave it up after all.
sheesh.
sentosa memories 2/4/10

oh please.. get a life(:
(copied from chatlog viewer)

Messenger Plus! Chat Log
Session Start: Friday, 2 April, 2010
loved.&forgotten (yingting92@hotmail.com)
whr2rm4wm (wh2rm4wm@hotmail.com)

(1:19 AM)whr2rm4wm: lol how u gonna hurt patrick this time huh?
rofl
bull of crp in your blog
lol
(1:20 AM)loved.&forgotten has changed his/her status to Idle

too bad i didn find this post-aprilfools msg hilarious. attempts to evoke laughter by tickling myself have failed miserably. (awww.. it didnt even invite a trace of smile)
bad joke.

instead, i thank th person who came up w "ex" to add to words like ex-collegue, ex-student & blahs.
of course, while the meanings of these words are pretty self-explanatory, some ppl simply fail to understand the term "ex-boyfriend"

will gladly provide some insights from my understanding.
think even th idiot of idiots would have grasp t meaning of it at th end of this.

2 easy-to-understand points:
1. an ex-boyfriend is a guy whom a girl/guy have dated previously & is a person who have EXISTED IN A PST ROMANCE, no matter how much wonderful memories they have tgt.
2. if t ex has negative comments which are not constructive or are not asked for especially in areas concerning his ex's NEW romances, it's best to keep it to himself & not throw a hissy fit to impose his UNWANTED opinions on the person he so ONE-SIDEDLY involved. (in simpler terms, if u dont lk it, fuck off! it's noyb since t day t relationship ended anw.. common sense)

failure to understand pt2 adds to the reasons y i chose to end t rs.
i mean, i cant be stuck w a person who have blatantly displayed his inability to grow up and see things in a more matter-of-fact way. not even as a friend
im still frens w some of my exs. (they can handle th breakups no matter who initiated them)
see my point? yes?good. no? too bad.

but darling, im so very sorry u pissed me off beyond my limits w what u did. stick w t person who helped announce what u did & hate me ok? tt's t best advice i can offer.
you gain a person who shares ur view abt what a bitch i am & i'll benefit from being spared t disdain when u direct t consequence of ur moodswings at me(:

still, i'll gladly appreciate it if u dont make your business mine.
(yes, i dont mind/care abt how u feel from reading my blog. if u want to do so, it's ure choice & noyb too. in return, just stay out of my attention as whatever emotions results from my posts are noyb too)
either keep a low profile or just fk off entirely.

lastly, for those who think im being a cruel bitch who cant oversee a bit of bitterness from an ex-bf cause im basking in some new love life,
P is not my bf.

see why i call this entire incident a bad joke?

Happy o1April(:
neither prank nor prank-ed

watched Clash of t Titans w Kh+S & P
Kh+S were supp to watch some other movie/ rmb me(they missed th showtime) but acc-ed P & i after much protests from Kh.
movie was ok, quite funny @ parts and even Medusa was chio >)
met J coincidentally after t movie xDD

forever21-ed w kh, leaving th 2 guys bored for awhile.
t 2 sillies didnt realise tt F21 in 313 is a 4-storey shop & actually intended to wait outside for us until i called P to tell him.
saw loads of awesome clothes (i totally <3 1 of t dresses & 2 tops) i want dollars to fall from t sky! & we say HM not once, but twice! Marina Barrage was (: tho t journey there was a pain. waited for t bus along t dusty road for ages. played @ t water playground thing, blew bubbles & tried skateboarding. was pretty reluctant to leave for family dinner at th end of t day & will certainly be back soon (i hope) to FLY KITES! dinner w family resulted in me putting on more weight (again) still, it was nice eating w grandparents & parents cause i hvnt been doing so for quite some time. sheesh.. met P @ peninsula plaza after dinner before heading to th skating place in somerset to meet S. i swear im inspired to learn skateboarding but again, i doubt i'll ever get down to learning. xP

more fun later(:

i love t way ure always so caring, never letting me out of ur sight when we're tgt.
& i love all th hugs and cuddles u give to show tt u rmb im still beside u even when ure talking over the fone, pretty much engrossed in conversation.

wonder if i gna get pranked/ if i gna prank anyone.
31-03

Work:
i was late (reported at 6 instead of 5 cause i overslept)

went home earlier(1130pm) despite t rest having to stay back cause i think im useless as compared to them. not a bad thing cause i didnt have a table to serve and was floating arnd folding napkins, wiping t "goblets" & serving beverages >.<>.<

31st Night-past midnight:
got home at nearly 3 if i didn rmb wrongly.

10 reasons y it was memorable-
1. he sent me home after work tho he wasnt working himself.
2. 123-ed to a random stop b4 walking back to my hse
3. we were staring up at th moon while lying down somewhere at a playground.
4. he tied my hair for me on a random impulse
5. interlocked fingers
6. hugs (thankyou for letting me do it tho idk y u allowed me to)
7. found out his embarrassing moment due to th reasons he gave his mum as to y he didn wna become a monk. (super ROFL)
8. staircase chitchat sesson
9. i made him close his eye before i left before tapping my finger on his nose lightly. (arboh kiss him meh? xD)
10. he sort of wanted to rent a room somewhere near my house so we can meet whnever we want to (sweeeeet)

ok.. im going crazy again.
& im happy even if those were just meant to be so part of my distant memory in future.

yting l.

Give me presents on 09/10. I love rings, ice-cream, chocolate, candies, piercings & pretty little things.

love lies.

A-H: caihong. charlene. dallas. dengyin. garyim. homing.
I-R: jeryl. jhosy. jiaxin. jocelyn. kerry. linjia. michelle. minee. mireen. munyee. noelle. peiwen. riwei:).
S-Z: sally:). sherlyn. sinyeeL. vengyi. vivian weikaiN. winnie. xiaxue.

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