nth worth believing in

i knw im supp to let u go.
& i knw u'd be happier if i cld. i knw it all.

but im sorry im to weak to do so. im nt strong enough to step out of ur world for u.
im sorry ive got to be selfish this time.
i noe i cnt do without you.
even if i cn, i wldnt wnt to.

ynoe baby, if only u wld come back.
if only your love for me's enough.

u wnt a life without me and i dun wnt a life without you.
doesnt it seem lk evt will be btr if im out of this world for good? this way, you can be happy. & i wld stop hurting.

& i figured that a heart keeps breaking until it stops beating. 'cause whn it stops, all th reasons for it to break and mend over & over again ceases to exist.
i figured tt if thr was a chance at afterlife, at staying by ur side without affecting you, giving up struggling to live on's worthwhile.
thn, we wldnt be seperated and life will still go on for u. perfect.

bt evt's contradicting, no?
living on offers tt sliver of chance of us being tgt again, of us fulfiling our promises to each other.
& tt's th only reason y im fighting on still..
yet it seems so much lk wishful thinking tt th former's a totally more appealing option.
i need time to rethink my options.
to try my best groping and watching th slivers slip tru my fingers again & again until i finally succeed or to just content myself being by you.

if only u cld see tt we all love w our hearts, not our minds.
if only you saw with your heart th depth of my love i nv knew exisited until i lost u.
u wld see how i wld really never leave you again 'cause i can nv love another guy lk i love you.
if only you cld feel it all with your heart and believe.

i tried loving you with my mind and lost you whn i lost my resolve & followed my heart too late.
wht if one day you realised and i aint here anymore? (im sorry. my thots do drift alongside my hopes of me being impt to you-.-)
i guess wht im more afraid of is tt your heart wld soon go th way your thots lead. thn, all tt we had wld mean nth at all.

cant you see? i noe ive hurt u but it's nt within my capacity to ever let you go again.
& cnt you believe this love wldnt cease even if you're going back to Myanmar?
it wld still be thr, contented with calls, messages, online sessions.
& if we can, brief visits by either of us during th holidays.

gawd. i need to wake up.
these aint coming true & i noe it alr
im still stupidly holding on until my heart stops beating. & maybe even after.

post-f1

working lk busybees without much income in th end.
th last time we're working tgt in th same place.. all so different.
spent f1 trying to keep myself sane from th emotional stress and long working hours.
spent f1 dashing to th toilet to dry my tears..
spent f1 addressing th guy i love as "koko", smth which he had nv wanted whn we're tgt.

so many things, so many realisations.
unless things change, after 9/10, i'll still be loving, waiting, hoping & believing.
if u truly love me enough, if we're meant to be, u'll be back for me.

xbaby, u still do love me right? & i'll wait for it to be enough.
i'll wait for u to believe in th love we had & thn to be more deserving of it.
nin ko ngar ayan chit tal

not as intelligent
work time.
some smartass named yingting decided tt putting 4days availabilty frm wed-sat wld end up being given 3 working days oni.
well.. i dun have to elaborate-.- im nt tt smart afterall.
heading off to work soon. sheesh..

goodbye after exams life.. f1 nxt week>(

one mth left to my bday.
one month left to the deadline of forgetting you.
but wht if i find out that i do wnt to remember afterall? wht if i find out tt i cant let go of you entirely but have to watch you slip away?

one month left..

do you remember we were supp to spend my bday tgt?
rmb how i threw tantrums upon knowing tt u may be going back to myanmar after my exams?
rmb i said "so much for being 18, turning legal and my bf's nt going to be here" i still rmb th way u tried to placate me, th way u apologised and told me ive my frens and u cld still call.
so much for these memories whn u wldn be thr after all tho ure going to be in sg on my bday afterall.

turning 18, rmbering you on tt day, recalling our promises & thn letting go entirely.
is it really going to be lk tt?

it's funny how love fucks your mind. cruel even.

i had an imperfect bf who loved me with all his heart but i had to let him down.
not wnting to hurt him and undeserving of his love, i distanced myself from him, convinced him tt ive had a change of heart even tho he was willing to forgive me.

and whn he chose to leave, i cnt let go but refuse to let myself cling on to it, crying myself to slp.
i said i dun rmb him anymore, dun rmb how to be w him
but i keep re-feeling how happy, safe, blissful i was w him in his embrace accompanied by pangs of heartache.
funny to be sobbing, cutting and sending him long messages whn this seperation was th outcome i desired at th beginning.

too late to realise. no longer have th rights of running into his embrace and clinging on to him lk i'll nv let go.
and i cnt even tell him ive loved him all this while cause it's btr he didn noe.
i dun have th confidence of making things right with him so it's best to hurt him once and for all rather thn failing him again.

koko, thank you. and happy birthday.
th best i can give u is to let u out of my messed up life, & to leave without turning back

epitome of obsession.

owning a huge stitchy softtoy is just lk having a mega huge cute pet.
u wnt to cuddle up w it whn u slp and snuggle w it every awaking moment.
& at times whn it rolls off th bed onto your tummy, peering at u with its huge innocent eyes, all you ever wnt to do is to smother it w kisses and words of affection.

ahwells.. tts a massive part of my world for u(:

im still wasting time.
soon i'll be wasting time studying for supp papers.

yting l.

Give me presents on 09/10. I love rings, ice-cream, chocolate, candies, piercings & pretty little things.

love lies.

A-H: caihong. charlene. dallas. dengyin. garyim. homing.
I-R: jeryl. jhosy. jiaxin. jocelyn. kerry. linjia. michelle. minee. mireen. munyee. noelle. peiwen. riwei:).
S-Z: sally:). sherlyn. sinyeeL. vengyi. vivian weikaiN. winnie. xiaxue.

May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012

Designer : Chili.
x o x o