nth worth believing in

thrs no pt in saying stuff whn it's "just for laughs" no matter how fucking serious it's meant to be.
so most of th time i just take things as it is, until i get sick of it.
whatever.

btw, this has nth to do with wht happened today. neither does it refer to any exceptionally particular event recently. as to wht just happend, im absofuckinglutely speechless. in a rly bad way.

hey baby(: yes, it's me again.. still wanting to tell you how much i love you.
but im afraid someday u'd go "ynoe what? ive heard it one time too many. and im sick of it alr"

im afraid u'd eventually leave because both of us are so "live in th moment" people thr doesnt seem to be anth we can work towards. it cld just be this finger-snap decision by either of us that we've had enough of th moments we had and want something new, someone new. and im rly scared whn it comes to th time we decide it's time to plan our lives, we might realise that we aint the other-one in the plans.

you've come as close to the memories i held so dearly & cried over countless times the past 1+yrs than anyone else had though we've got a record-breaking number of quarrels in the 1-2 mths since we got tgt. & im grateful for having met you, yet at the same time fearful for i experienced how it was like to be on the brink of a real breakdown when P left after slightly more thn 1/2 yr into th rs. i dont know hw i'd react if you made th same decision. yes, ive said so many times i'd be fine alone & that i'd let you go nonchalantly and i would, at least in front of u and the friends we share. but i dont know how i would take it.

i meant every bit when i said "im aware ive got a bf whom i love very much.... & ure the only one who came as close to him in my heart, so why th fuck wld i screw it up?" ive realised that for sometime now, which is why im constantly bogged down by th sense of insecurity that there simply wldnt be the "happily ever after" part.(yes im nuts. we just got tgt so wtf am i doing thinking so far off) ive nv admitted it until now because im afraid my neediness would freak you out and cause u more stress if we aint on the same page regarding this issue and im sorry if u gna freak out after reading this but i simply hv to get this off my mind. Gaahs x.x this suck. cnt bring myself to "backspace" everything i wrote just in case you rly decide to leave because this pressurizes you but at least things wldnt turn out so bad if you realised this rs isnt th right one for you at an earlier stage. i wldnt take it very well for sure but at least it might be easier to live with it rather than facing this issue ltr on.

pls stay. ~~or leave, early.~~ cliche as it sounds, just be happy.

ohmygodimustbenutstohavewrittenallthiscrap.

sometimes i wish my brain weren't so pea-sized
im supp to be studying for my 7pm stats paper now but rly, wdv. i think i realised stats isnt about reading, but practice a LITTLE too damn late. gna pin my destiny on the 1 A4 paper of self-made notes. on a lighter note, i think i passed my assignment so tt's lk 50% of the battle won. so fml if i rly hv to sit for supp this time.*actually.. i still might have to*

im only here because tt peabrain of mine decided to distract itself with nail-filing, polshing (attempt failed. fingers bare now). somehow it invited random thoughts to join the Distract Yingting Agenda. nuf said. here i am, speed-typing away so i can get back to studying (hopefully).

been bugging my dearest over a particular qn recently until i decided to get over it but as it seems, im still not exactly over it yet. duhh. so im back. wondering if we wldve gotten tgt if we hadnt cheated in th initial stages.. seems rather trivial now tt we are tgt but it matters to me 'cause i somehow got this thought that we wldnt be tgt if we had not cheated, thn we probably didnt get tgt because we loved each other. gaah. dont ask me how i came to this conclusion. im still trying to accept that it does not rly matter now because i think we grown to love each other over this few weeks (or does it still matter? GAAAH seriously)

this stray thought aside, i still cannot help but laugh that theBoyfriend "like"d Okamoto on facebook. yes, tt's The Okamoto ure thinking of right now. ikr. something's gone wrong w my sense of humour to laugh over it but nvm. you cant expect anything very normal from a studying-yingting.

tatas! im off to battle with the numbers and symbols and sums. tough luck. till im back from math-ganistan x.x

because you mean so much to me..
*this post is dedicated to my beloved boyfriend so just in case you end up retching your guts out by the huge dosage of cheesiness, you have already been warned*

honestly, i dont know if i should be typing this blog post out lest it adds to a massive chunk of words which will attribute to buckets full of tears when i attempt to relieve bits and pieces of memories if we broke up. *siala.. th thought of it makes me feel like crying alr. wtf* and i rly hv my reservations towards 'fessing up to my crazyGirlfriend tendencies because you are so damn impt to me but since it makes you happy...

actually.. i was wondering. what if at the end, the ans as to whether you are my most special boyfriend is a no? well.. it might just be a no or maybe uh.. DONT SKIP TO THE LAST BITS FOR MY ANS. no cheating!
and here goes..

you see, every bgr i ever had was either normal, playmode or just weird. and in each of the abovementioned categories, thr's someone who is the most special. like your buddy's (we both know who im talking about..) th most special to me in playmode rs #justsayin) so i rly had to crack my brains to place you somewhere. will get to that.. eventually. :D

#1 you are still not the one who treats me best
#2 you are aware that for a guy, you are extremely ungentlemanly and rude. Think the way u burp in my face and actually imagine burping when we kiss. you get it right? & yet you still obstinately insist on doing it
#3 you are rly spoilt brat. most everything goes according to your mood and you know i tend to give in most of th time. to make matters worst, you sometimes exploit this fact
#4 the way we got together, or i'd rather.. the process of us getting together.. im still feeling rather cheated ley (JUST KIDDING. BUT RLY HOR..JIALAT LA)
#5 you dont fit the criteria of being the rich old man i was so intent on finding.

& for the above 5 reasons, you rly aint a ideal bf candidate (cn rly imagine your face now. oops)
but (omg i feel like killing myself for typing out what follows) somehow the way you are, and the way you love me makes me feel like i wna be with you (forever).\

you may not have the best temper or most enduring patience but i knw you try your best to tolerate my nonsense, my incessant whining and how i ridiculously get upset over the oddest stuff like missing you. *yes im aware i whine a whole lot more than normal people* & i love tt u let me act like a cat :) -inserts head rubs- U BTR SAYANG ME AFTER READING THIS PART. so yes, here's one of th reasons y i still love u meow..

i still cant figure out why you love me. i think.. u btr start thinking because i might just start bugging u for th ans soon/ sometime.. i think i will love you after you give me a good reason to hold on to, but maybe.. if your reason is rly trashy, i will stop loving you. just maybe. ok.. im kidding.. you are the only one i love without knowing what exactly i love you for/ about you. it's like this pretty bowl of colourful cereals and marshmallows in diff shapes and sizes. it makes me happy. being w you makes me happy a whole silly lot :D

oh.. i think i realised.. i give in to you a whole lot for idk what reasons and really.. i doubt ive done that for any other guys.. it seems lk your silly smile's the only reason (win liao lor)..
other things that make u rly one of a kind is.. u dont love my stitch. (excuse me.. in case you didnt know, it's a pre-requisite. plus.. eeyer.. idk luh.. thrs so many things that makes you annoyingly worth loving it wld take forever for me to complete this "homework"

& so to your question, yes my dearest.. you are the most special to me & will always be. actually because i doubt i was ever so dumb to try to change myself/ love a guy this way before.

but before you start grumbling about the ultimate reason (which is rly trashy.. i know) behind why you are the most special bf i had... YOU ALR THE MOST SPECIAL IN YOUR OWN WAY & TH WAY I LOVE YOU LIAO WHAT MORE YOU WANT! -head rubs- :D

here i am, driving myself crazy again.
stuck in th "supposed to study- yet- just not in the mood" phase.
i think it's just th pms part but thn again, i seem to make more sense, think more clearly.

& thn i start wonder wht im doing in SH, why im even stayin in sg and wht got into me whn i took banking and finance.
somehow th ans seem rly straightfoward for th first & third choices. I chose to stay further in sh despite hating my job for the money. as for B&F, i felt i was ready to try smth new + theBoyfriend promised to keep me sane.
which actually leads me to th realizing that im plain abnormal. tell me which dumbass makes decisions which will eventually affect her life based on a guy she's in a rs with for less then 2 mths.

bt then again, i realize.. despite all th lemons in life right now, being w him turns evt to sweet lemonade (omgfuckmeforbeingcheesy)

my life as it is: rather enjoyable yet at the same time hating the girl living it
yes im back.& perhaps a little more confused that the disillusioned bitch i was previously.
it's another sleepless night. which eventually led to me re-reading the more recent blogposts, resulting in me wondering if i'm suffering from split personality or if i had really changed so much in less than 2 mths.

for th cynical being i was, i'm actually in a rather normal rs now with a rather average guy in the eyes of th world. i mean, anyone would think that im actually dating a string of rich/abv average old men now from my prev posts but rly, theBoyfriend is neither old or rich or has a daddy/granddad who's a ceo of xyz company.
it's been more thn a mth since we got tgt but im still rly baffled by both our choices on being tgt.
someone like him who's used to being pampered, a girl like me who's used to being pampered
someone like him who's used to dating chio girls, a girl like me who rly needs major cosmetic procedures to look something like the least chio girl he has dated.
someone like him who's faithful in love (i hope..), a girl like me who changes her mind in a finger-snap.
well.. you get it.
and i dont blame you if you're pitying th guy at this very moment. i still wonder if i made the right choice/ if im shortchanging him in having a go at this rs from time to time. all i cn say's tt im rly grateful that he has always been here from that moment, seeing that im trying. & im thankful he's trying equally hard to make this rs work despite me falling short of expectations.

thing is, im here at this hour whn i hv to wake up early for work tmr's because im missing him too much to slp. for some unknown reasons, the 2 major quarrels we had previously keeps replaying in my mind and for all th shyt i said in them, i rls now tt i wldnt b able to walk away like we had nv been tgt if he chooses to leave me now or sometime in future.
yes, things been going rather smoothly recently but i cnt help wondering if it's because he's suppressing any unhappiness he has in being with me, be it having to put in more effort or tolerating my eccentricity. & th needy person ive that ive become is freaking me out.
it feels as though i wld go through another "crazy period' i had when p & i broke up if he ever leaves.
*mindfucked*
it feels like idk tht girl ive become and i hv no fcking idea if she's btr thn th person i used to be.

wish i cld say more bt i feel drained enuf to slp now.
goodnight bby. i love u more thn u will ever rls.

yting l.

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love lies.

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