nth worth believing in

i so screwed. i spent th whole day slacking and a good part of it researching to be extra sure cause im so fucking insecured w my idea. srsly. fuck me and my insecurities.
im really asking for trouble for myself. havent studied for acc. wtfwtf.

i reallyreallyreally sld stop this.
prepare. head out. proj&study.
thot i had it all planned out. finish evt in th nite. slp until aft go for TCS and acc test.
& thn tcs had to be rescheduled to th morn. so it means.. i prolly wun have time to study cause i gna have to go proj in school. chances are tt it wldnt be completed tonite.

annoyed.

queenofeverythingbad
Last proj due tmr. yayness! happiness. delightfulnes..
but my grp's just getting started. awesome..
& im still procrastinating. been up since 10plus. nth done.
got to jiayou.

been being a very bad gal lately.
realised how i can nv be a gd gf to anyone.
not even wj. we noe each other too well. sldve been perfect if we were tgt but no. we just noe each other too well to be tgt.
i cnt be a gd gf to anyone else cause of th really special rs w wj.
i keep wishing i wld be able to find a bf who understands me and accept tt thr is another person who's really special to me besides them.

& my ideal is unrealistic. a rs which intimacy stops at hugging & th occassional kisses.
i dislike it whn my bf gets touchy bt normally accept them and try to be as normal abt it as possible.. just take my mind as far away frm whtever's going on and play along.
it sucks srsly tho i try my best nt to show it. it makes me feel lk retreating into my own world. explains th super random moodswings aft evt.
part of th reason why i miss p so much is because he understands th situation w wj. & he nv got touchy unless i inititated it cause he accepts t weird expectations as an important part of me.

im selfish and i admit it. i expect wht's important to me accepted no matter how unrealistic it is. now tt someone has done it for me before, i noe tt while my expectations are unrealistic, thr are ppl are willing to accomodate them, making me feel safe being myself.
apparently love just isnt enough for me anymore. it's abt loving me enough.
tts y i cnt bring myself to make any real commitments now. simply because i dun feel secured and loved enough to wnt to. & i'll nv be able to be a gd gf th way things are going.

uhms. back to projs & school. & acc test tmr.
fml srsly.
sry for being bad in every single sense

nth much changed. except tt im no longer th girl whose world revolves around you.
i was just stubborn. reluctant to move away from th 9mths we shared.
feels weird to be so determined to protect myself by living in those painful memories rather thn move on ..
and then prying myself away from tt world & realising tt it's still me. th same crazy girl who fell in love w u and whom u promised th entire future to. just tt this time, without u.
it's funny how just sometime ago, i thought i wld nv wna step out of tt little space u left only to want to stay away from it now despite tt it prolly means i wldn have to go tru th entire process of entering another rs and ending up heartbroken again.

yes i loved u. but i guess im moving on although random thots of u&us still leave me struggling w my emotions.
it's someone else who's building up my world now(: evt's going to be alright

What wld u sacrifice for slp?
i just sacrificed the my "single" life. sheesh...
too confident tt i wldnt overslp for so many times in a row.
underestimated th piggy side of me.

hmphff.. ______ bully luhhs!
but well, u just volunteered to be bullied by me in future.

slp + bullying privileges. worth it no?

&! before u think of getting back at me over this post...
IM IN TP NOW BECAUSE OF U!
aint i lk super duper sweet? i cldve gone to tas instead lor xP
hugs for me now(: it comes in a package w th great sacrifice i made for slp.

lalala!~
back to proj.
totally pointless post.

Hello baby______. Sry for being such a bigbigbadpig ^(oo)^
i think u wldnt ever be my human alarm clock anymore cause i nv do wake up/stay awake.
:[
but i lk th shortshort times im awake and uhm.. trying to figure out wht ure saying lehs..
SO U STILL HAVE TO DO IT SOMETIMES OK?

lovessss! see! u cnt say no now xPP

short updates..
1. dyed my hair= can buy headband alr(:
2. 2 projs due on fri. Status for both: less thn half done = Die today and tmr and fri.
3. Acc test on fri EVENING, Csit test on sat MORN= hello acc retest!
4. Crs proj due tue. status: less thn 1/ 4 done= Goodbye Weekends
5. CSIT due fri. status: i rather nt think abt it= Goodbye rest on Wed-Thurs
6. Presentations soon= Still no weekends nextweek

i dont know wht else i have on my list. WORK AFT TTB TEST3! yay!

waiting, freezing.
waiting for 1. ______ &2. proj stuffies supp sent on fri aftn.
knns srsly..

& to make things worse im freezing cause of th rainy weather.
tho i very much rather freeze thn endure th heat x.x

tsktsktsk. COLD LUHH!
=( hurry baby hurry hurry...
cuddles.. -demand- NOW -impossible=(

Going nuts at th beginning of th day. Wonderful.

listening to songs, copying acc lect9 notes. pretty much in my own world until...

...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to december, turn around and make it alright and
I go back to december all the time
...

sldve listened to thai songs instead.
at least ive only gt abstract ideas of each song.

what if thr are only two options and both are equally important?

wld u choose t one existing in t present and may stay tru to t future or t one kept in t depths of t past but may resurface in t future?

i cnt step into t present and future by holding on to t memories..
tt lil part of me i keep too close to my heart for comfort despite knowing tt it doesn't mean anth in reality..
& i knw far too well th past has no place in t present and chances are tt it wld all stay consigned to th past as mere memories.

srsly.. why am i even doing this?
holding on simply because Im too afraid to let go.
yet im acutely aware tt Im hurting too, by being bounded by memories..
its just me to nt wna step into t future burdened by t past bt Im really scared.. i tried forgetting once and all i did was to curl up and cry myself to slp every night.
nw it seems lk wht hurts actually keeps me going. it's just lk trying to remove a shard from a wound. leaving it thr actually hurts less Thn prying it out.

but th shard cnt stay embedded forever or t wound will nv heal right?
really.. wtf sld i do?

i wonder why u choose to hang on..

i guess im pushing u away cause im nt ready.
& i dont know whn/ whether i will be ready.

dont u get it?
it's nt worth it.

& im afraid u wldnt wnt me anymore aft convincing me to step into the future.
flustered.

sorry

hello baby. dyou miss me?

xp

record-breaking clumsiness x.x
i think everyone knws how clumsy i can get. im one of those who cnt stop spilling drinks (esp bad whn im working in bqt. broke th spillage record) , knock over stuff ( i knocked over th "sidetable" im using and uhm.. light and lappy crashed down along w it. thankgod lappy survived), trip over my own feet & knock into surfaces etc.
lk uhmm... i rmb tripping on my first day at oph whn serving th first course. alarming much.
& ______ prolly noes how prone i am to knocking into walls and wdv beside me ( i still accidentally kick my shelves very often tho i noe i sldve been used to their presence alr)

enuf of elaboration considering ive gt new sources of embarrassment to die over.
usual episodes of my clumsiness occur in th privacy of home. sldve just kept to tt rite? absolutely...

2days ago..
knocked my head quite loudly against th thingy sticking out near th NEL train doors. thr was alot of ppl in th cabin i totally just had to pretend nth happend tho i wnted to cover my face.
slipped and fell in orchard whn i made way for someone who wnted to pass. it was near th bus stop and in front of rp on scotts so ALOT of ppl saw. even got 2 bruises to rmb this incident by. tsk!
ytd...
nearly slipped in school (luckily oni 3 ppl near me bt still ps luhh)
i walked into a glass door. in orchard again. lk ohmygod..

sld try to stay out of such situations today..

Annoyed much.
gt a text from a grpmate at 2plus in th morn saying she cnt make it for proj meeting (set lk last week) cause he had to do her indiv assignment. totally lk wtf.
another one had to work (oops. cannot/unwilling to find replacement) wht can i say rite?

too bad.. proj meeting 1hr before school and 1 hr after 6 whn class ends lor.
sick of trying to accomodate ur schedules and neverending requests. i noe ttb's tmr. are u going to say let's not meet ltr cause thr's a test tmr? cause everyone else in th grp has it at th same time. choose not to slp or not to study tt's lk none of my business anymore.
unless i can say smth lk "this week so stress i need to de-stress. u guys meet k? i cnt make it cause im too stressed up"
-.-

& im annoyed cause ive gt my slp disrupted for th wrong reasons..
another stupid bad dream.
this time, ______ had another girl & he left eventually.
lk wtf. waste my slp time oni

will u share ur Bf/gf with others?
was thinking abt it cause ______ asked.. i dno if Im weird or wht but i actually do Nt mind to a certain extend x.x
lk i dun see myself being unduly bothered or kicking up a big fuss if my Bf gets physically close to other gals. on a very big condition..

tt i believe he really loves me.

guess it's alot abt trusting and believing his feelings remain true.
bt thn again, thrs this dilemma abt trust cause it's pretty hard to comprehend y t special someone wld shower others w affection as well.
or maybe.. I've just become indifferent. it just doesn't bother me as much as it used to. maybe.. im just used to ppl leaving.

sheesh.. bt lk i said, im nt considered weird for nth-.-
lk y am i updating abt such stuff now whn i gt 9topics to cover?!?!

♫ Lin Jia ™ - when choices are illusions says:
*lol
*okay
*back to original topic
*GO APPLY DRIVING
*i'll help u apply for excessive insurance
Yingting says:
*go die
♫ Lin Jia ™ - when choices are illusions says:
*why should i die
*(unless u're driving me around)
Yingting says:
*u hav a higher chance of dying in a hit and run if i drivee

see, ive got a meano who claims tt he's my fren. WTFLJ! xD

change of plans.
nt meeting ______ anymore.
anticipating a tough struggle to concentrate at home.

sry but i just cnt be mre normal

Babytime after updating((:
been seeing ______ for lk how many days in a wk alr! tsktskk...
he's going to get sick of seeing me soon i think.. lk eating mac daily for a month thing..-inserts superbig sadface-
!EKILSID

tmr's going to be proj day. mustmustmust finish culture.
which means.. today must at least finish acc tut and uhms.. 1/2 of crs? (a lil impossible seeing how lazy i am. plus th Hello!come&slponmenow bed he has)
tsk. im such a pig even without stitchy x.x
imagine me updating now while lying on him w lappy proped against my fat thighs.. trying to motivate myself to get up to prepare to go out.

i noe this update's nonsensical.. im just trying to make it last as long as possible so i can remain in tt position.
grahs... babytimebabytime!! get up!
noo..
get up luhhs..
nonoonoo..
it's babytime lehh!! cuddleee? nicenice cuddles??
fine.. bye lappy=( i still wna nua lehh. howwwwwww.. grrr.. get up get up..

im fine, really..
i guess it's just th stress's kicking in again.

i wasted one whole day which is supp to be spent on FEM and ttb.
kicking myself for not having done work but instead shopped and slacked my time away w ______, weijun & daniel.
tho it's reallyreallyreally great to see wj again after sooooo long x.x

& ______ thx fr accompanying me so much and putting up with me(:
for taking my mind off him & keeping th pieces of my heart tgt as much as possible.
no wonder stitchy and nyanya loves u..
but wht if u walked away lk he did?

it sucks whnever i say we're nt tgt cause it's lk having to face th fact tt we dun exactly belong to each other no matter how "couple-ly" we r.
a constant reminder tt u may just nt be thr anymore someday.

& much as this reminder keeps me in reality, it makes me real paranoid each time u dun reply, each time i upset u etc.
reasoning w myself only makes it worse cause th cycle repeats itself all over again

ppl have been going on abt how whn ure w someone for th new yr u gna be w them for th entire yr.
but looking at th way things turned out, it gna be a miracle if i survive this yr.
looks lk 2011's gna be eventful. in a bad way.

& to think i believed wht ppl said th person ure w in th new yr staying by u for th entire yr.
really, happy fucking 2011 ms dumb&naive

yting l.

Give me presents on 09/10. I love rings, ice-cream, chocolate, candies, piercings & pretty little things.

love lies.

A-H: caihong. charlene. dallas. dengyin. garyim. homing.
I-R: jeryl. jhosy. jiaxin. jocelyn. kerry. linjia. michelle. minee. mireen. munyee. noelle. peiwen. riwei:).
S-Z: sally:). sherlyn. sinyeeL. vengyi. vivian weikaiN. winnie. xiaxue.

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