nth worth believing in

ppl are so fucking hard to please.
ccb. come home oni kpkb. insult me, tell me im useless when its communication breakdown on their part. especially HIM. i dun see th need to use such harsh words on me over such minor problems.
since im such an eyesore im rarely at home.
& whn i put in effort to stay away, im scolded again for never being tgt w th family.

yes tt's it. so much for th word family whn th way u scream at me is lk scolding some slut out thr.
now u all know y i refuse to go on th family trip ya?
i dont really give a damn whether i have to take supp papers or not cause i know i can still make it to go.
i just dont fucking wnt to go w them. dont wna spoil their mood. dont wna go all way out to please ppl just to play along only to be called nice because im using their cash to shop in the duration of th trip.
im fucking playing along being who they wnt me to be so they can enjoy. if nt it's th "why cant u just let us enjoy th holiday" thing again.

thrs just no bloody diff whther i put in effort or not ehs?
btr nt waste time

of everyone, of everything.. why you?
it's pretty cruel th way i mindfuck myself subconsciously no matter how hard i try to keep track of my thots.
it's lk something's wrong w my brain. it's torturous..
having you appear in my dreams whn i was doing pretty fine th past few days alr.
seeing ur face whn i close my eyes and remembering every bit of th face which features i used to trace w my fingertips. it all seems so real. lk ure just in front of me. lk things hadnt changed. lk we didnt break up.
of everyone.. y is it th hardest to forget u? th u who promised so much but decided tt i wasnt wht u wnted.
sometimes i wish reality and dreams cld switch places. thn breaking up wld be simply a nightmare. u wld always be thr instead. just sometimes.. times lk this whn im missing u so much i just wna curl up in a corner of my bed and cry.

ure supp to be out of my mind alr. u were mostly out of my mind th past few days. & ure going out of it now again. and i wish u wont ever come back. stay out of my thots just lk how u walked out on us.

______'s a pig ^(oo)^
as a result, im deprived of his company.

i'll nv be good nuf for anyone.
it's just me.
no matter how much i wnt someone i just wldnt really show it.
& if i cnt be perfect for tt person, thrs always someone closer to tt perfection.
it's really just me

&all i knw hw to do is to cry abt it in th middle of th nite or simply give it all up

my irrational random thots:
im trying desperately to imagine tongues cuddling..
mmm.. will my tongue enjoy cuddlecuddle lk me??

....
Haha kiss but longer with tongues cuddling!!! Lollll!!
so let tongue tongue cuddle? complicated
Yup yup not complicated la baby :/ i tot u like cuddle cuddle!
bt my tongue doesNt have hands :(
....

now i think..
only dumbdumb and dumbie can have such conversations... hmmm..
maybe not tho..

hmmmmms......

Merry Xmas(: goodbye 25th. hello to not loving u anymore.
i noe i promised. & i havent been good at keeping it so far but this is prolly th lastest post abt us.
tt night i said i wld let u go if u wnted to & tt i wldnt beg for u to come back. i just didnt wna set aside pride to cling on to smth uncertain again. i did tt once & u relented but we still broke up.
bt now i really wonder if i sldve tried again. ur frens said u still loved me but i chose to let go. fk me right? fk u too x.x
sometimes i blame myself for being too demanding, whiny and spoilt. if i hadnt been such a handful, wld u have loved me more? wld u not have left?
if i hadnt lost my temper tt night.. if i hadnt shut u out cause i wnted to be alone.. wld we still be tgt?

i keep comforting myself thinking we wldve broken up sooner or ltr. we both knew we had stuff we wanted & wldnt be able to do by being tgt. & maybe we were nv meant to be tgt. ur family expectations and all of u as th oni son.. i'll nv be good nuf.
it's really time to let go of th part of my world u shared even if thr's a slight chance of u wnting to be part of it again.
bye patrick, koko, min zin naing, baby, brownie, dickhead, hubby and everything u used to be to me.

im still trying to hate u for making me rmb it's th 25th and nt 24th tt we got tgt. and for th pangs of heartache whn i walk down orchard rd. andandand...

jumbled up pieces. missing pieces. messed up picture.
funny to feel lk tt now whn i had knw it all along but nv truely saw them. & weird too.. to see these underlying facts during/after drinking instead of going crazy-high as always. it sucks facing th fact tt th picture ive been trying to put tgt will nv be completed perfectly.

yupps. i figured tt i wish if i someone right now, it wouldnt be because i took him for p, loving w t love meant for someone else.
cause it reallyreally sucks to look back and realise how delusional it all was & to face th fact tt evt was just make believe.
im sry ______ (tho it seems really silly to say so cause i still dont believe it really matters to u)
i get pissed off, flustered, annoyed etc whn u say im nt true to u cause th love's true. it's just tt u were nv him. & we're both toying with each other all th while so i wld nv love u. (hahas. i noe u nv wna be him & for me to love u tt way too. it's just tt i dno how to say it to u straight so here's to all ur qns abt whts wrong w me after last nite)

im nt looking for someone in particular. just someone who wld hug and cuddle me, make me believe for th moment tt it's all real. anyone.
i knw im just lying to myself ultimately & all im doing.. they just bring in more pieces which dont belong.

mzn, i miss u.

happy 800th post, lonely today
woke up w nth to do. tsk. momok's busy. & uhmm.. im too broke to go out.
still cnt figure out how i had 700plus bucks and today have only 300 x.x
so dead so dead.

work ytd was kinda screwed. eventful.
hate t agency & laundry bitches. dislike th idontknowwhttosayabtthem ppl.
cnt stand myself for being bad too.
&& i was a pig ytd -(oo)-

rmb i once asked whn's th expiriy date of our love?
i got it figured out faster thn finding out whr i spent my dollars.
25/12/10. half a year after evt. even if u still loved me aft tt

no matter wht i do, im just nt over u.
crazy night of clubbing w momok & anty.
flirting, drinking. just keeping memories out.
for a brief moment, i was hoping it was u hugging me in ph. just tt fleeting moment.. th corner at th dance floor..

movie date w ______ @ tampmall ytd.
cuddles much. i lk i lk =)
&misses.

mbs tmr.. i miss being able to look forward to working

love's human too.

funny but this thot actually struck me after a night of "crying cycles". ( my eyes are swollen. esp th upper eyelids making them look odd. yes, fml)
ppl keep saying true love's perfect. & tt whn true love is found, it lasts (on top of th other yadayadas abt it giving bliss etc)
tt's true love. from what ppl say/think it is like.

so wht happens whn we actually find who we think is "the one" for us but sometime in t rs, things start falling apart? we cling on only to let go ultimately, telling ourselves tt wasnt true love actually & we would find it eventually.
th emptiness tt's left, th heart tt heals, th memories tt were left... simply th work of a feeling we used to think was love but now feel is just a mistaken emotion..
but th love tt's supposedly enduring... oh wdv-.-

isnt it just an emotion felt by human beings? we are nt perfect. so wht makes us think that our emotions, our perceptions & interpretations are?
love being priceless & valuable? im sorry.we're flawed. it is too.

sad? too bad. face it.
we r th ones controlling it.

im not crying. only because th tears refuse to fall.

my thots have been hopping arnd these days. to th extent of me not knowing whts going on, not concentrating on tasks on hand either.

sometimes i wonder why i was stupid enough to choose HTM in the first place
& why i was dumb enough to choose modules i fuck up in.
i dont know if i overestimate myself cause each time, i just tell myself it gna be alright/i'll be able to handle it. & each time i fall short of my expectations.

sometimes i snap back into reality and realise that for th past hour or so, ive been curled up staring at facebook/msn contacts etc, not doing anything in particular.
just thinking how weird it is for us to have been in a rs before and gone our seperate ways.
it just makes me wonder what had resulted in my actions and his.
all those imperfections... is it because we aint made for each other? because if tt's th case, we wldve been like side-by-side pieces on a jigsaw puzzle.
somehow, maybe we had been put tgt for so long despite th existence of the "right fit" somewhere else, with someone else.

& sometimes i wonder why im even having such thots.
they're so overwhelming i end up fighting for breath, wishing i cld just cry and let it all out.
i wna find peace in an embrace. arms tt wld cocoon me while i cry, reassuring me tt im safe and evt's gna be fine. just with th pair of arms.
what sucks the most is, im unable to find one who gives me tht kinda feeling.. thrs just no such chemistry among those present now.
maybe thrs this one person. but he cnt be th one. & i noe wht he can give is only temporary,fleeting.

now i wonder what's left, what's coming next.

again&again. this time i cnt be bothered.
true ive been stubborn and pretty much a handful recently.
but ive always been lk tt. all along & u know it.
& u noe it's th way i react to stress whn i cnt control it. or do you?

so all im guessing's tt ure sick of it.
disappear all u wnt. ignore me as long as u wish.
cause while ure free to do as u desire, im not fucking gna sit waiting for u forever.
just lk u cldnt wait, i WOULDNT.

well, try searching for me whn th inclination to kiks in.
maybe a faster way wld just be to let me go.

yting l.

Give me presents on 09/10. I love rings, ice-cream, chocolate, candies, piercings & pretty little things.

love lies.

A-H: caihong. charlene. dallas. dengyin. garyim. homing.
I-R: jeryl. jhosy. jiaxin. jocelyn. kerry. linjia. michelle. minee. mireen. munyee. noelle. peiwen. riwei:).
S-Z: sally:). sherlyn. sinyeeL. vengyi. vivian weikaiN. winnie. xiaxue.

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