nth worth believing in

an entire post of randomness because i woke up too early & cldnt stop thot-hopping.

When people tell me to "wait for the right guy to come", i somehow automatically think abt public transportation. like waiting for the right bus to get to th right place.
& tt get kinda depressing because i nv liked the wait. sometimes u realise it doesnt get u whr u wna go anyway. other times, u might just have missed it.

Im unable to convince myself i wld meet a guy who will treat me right, at least for now, because it seems lk ive just awaken from a really long dream.. a dream which has bits i cling on dearly to but driven me nuts w its twists & turns.
wht's left is a person who questions how many times th other party has done the same sweet things to another girl. whn u start thinking, u realise it's nt tt precious afterall.

OK looks doesnt entitle anyone to a "btr"/"good" guy.
now u noe why i shrugged ur comments off tho it's kinda sweet that u keep telling me to wisen up because u think i cld get tgt w someone nice given th way i look. im lacking in too many other aspects. I heard u despite alr trying to focus on eating my prata. HAHAHA

after saying so much, i sometimes rather appear dumb because th world seems so much easier to understand.
nothing beats seeing through someone's intentions without having really to do anything. weird bt i do get a kick out of playing mind games with jerks. because being perceived as stupid gives a surprisingly great edge. (shyt. im such a bitch)

back to th fact tt i hv to report for work by 1445hrs. i'd probably surprise myself with more thoughts while preparing anw ((:

on my 852th post i wondered why...

when we had to take injections, th doc/nurses wld apply a lil anasthetic to help dull th pain.
& whn we have to go tru slightly more major processes, stronger medication will be administered to numb th affected area.
yet thr any medication to take th excruciating pain out from a broken heart.

& i figured that a heart has to go on beating no matter wht.
we die if it stops for long enough.
which makes it seem lk im barely alive anymore.

because after all th heartbreaking & heartbreaks, ive grown indifferent to th pain.
numb. yes. it's no longer within my capacity to feel hurt, to rejoice, to mourn, to love.
it's lk finally learning a lesson- that ur heart falls to its death whn u let it reign free.
only this time, i learnt it too late.

because i no longer believe love can be unconditional.
& i no longer yearn to be loved because im dont even noe if i can recognize true love whn it comes knocking. then, if i do recognize it, is my imperfect heart worthy of it?

\i kinda hate it when someone judges me because i kinda "go both ways", whichever makes me happy.
as much as u r entitled to ur opinions on sexuality, every single one of us are equally free to make decisions on whoever we want to be with.
it's nt lk ur wife's fucking ur son. i'd give u th right to feel cheated, pissed off and uhm.. hurt? wdv.
bt thn again, if it happens, it's their choice. incest is DEEMED as a sin & wrong by humans no? for all im concerned, adam & eve cld very well b brothers & sisters in Christ. (no offence meant)

so yes, im extremelyt baffled by some ppl's brain seem to lk uhm.. hv multiplied from a fossil from th ice age/ hw some ppl seem to be transported in a time capsule. im in th kinda mood i wish words cld literally kill. and i'd make it a slow & merciless process.
i mean, to giv me th "im above u" attitude because u realised i swing both ways is kinda overrated. wht happens out of work stays personal. dont give me tt kinda attitude simply based on a "i hate gays because i just dont like them" & expect me to swallow ur words. no. u can have mine spewing all over u for all i care.

frankly, given tt i do like guys & hvnt dated a gal before, it's kinda premature for me to say that i go for girls/ im lesbian at heart or wdv. neither does it change th fact tt i do get attracted by girls emotionally, however briefly. all i can say's tt i feel for someone th way a person makes me feel. & increasingly, ive been thinkin alot more abt being w girls due to wht i figured out after ironing all th jumbled up thots on why ggr may work out far btr at times, at least for me. it's more towards hw i feel as a girl so for those in bbrs/ who are into guys, do ur own relating alright? & ignore pt2. i admit it's kinda anti-guys in general bt rly.. it's intended for th male chauvinist pigs.

#1 i think while opposite genders provide a complement of gender traits, people of the same sex goes with a blend of mutual understanding which is greatly unmatched by wht th opp sex can provide.
i see understanding as a prime factor in whether a rs is worthwhile. & sadly, th level i seek far exceeds th comprehension of guys. it isnt tt hard to read me like a book but sadly, most guys dont bother. their rash, impulsive, egoistic male characters simply do not allow it.

#2 Guys are fascinatingly simple creatures because minus their egos, thr's actually nothing much left of them.
i say this because really, i cannot stand how guys simply expect girls to take wdv shyt they give, yet cannot accept things put across in the same "in ur face" approach. seriously, wht's w th "if ure not willing to fuck me, suck me" thing when they cant take "i simply dont like u enough to go along w it. stroke ur own ego if u must" like a man.
it irates and humour me how guys react lk a wuss to things as simple as a reality check, a less "buffered" rejection and whn they realise things dont go th way they think it will. really.. is it tt hard to take a step back and see tt u aint as attractive as u think u r to a gal? sheesh.
i dont want an empty shell.

#3 a member of th same gender can be all u ever want in a opp-sex partner, minus all th turn-offs th opp sex has.
nuf said. if u get it, u see th picture im tryin to paint. it's fine if u dont either. (right?)

at th end of it, im just saying i go with how i feel like everyone else out thr. straight or gay, it ought not be an issue on how u look at me or at anyone else.

i hate ppl who are anti-pink & simply cant keep their opinions to themselves. i mean.. gays dont go around saying "i dont like u because u r straight/ fuck u for being straight" it's simply "we're gay but so what? thr's nth to hide. we r proud of our sexuality"
what's with telling me "dont talk to me abt homosexuality. i hate gays. y? i just hate them". if i pissed u off, uve every right to tell me in my face tt u dont like me because u disagree with me. hating me simply because u see me hugging n holding hands w a girl thus deeming me as lesbian is just so low.
& hating without a reason? pls. grow up. u aint getting my respect if u bring this into work. screw tt im an intern. i'd give u shyt if u get judgemental on shift.

for now, nurse ur bruised ego for flirting w th wrong gal & failing horribly. Cheers(:
enjoy this song. a special dedication from me to you

Incurable.
if i cant hold on someone else's heart, i might as well hold on to mine & focus on guarding it.
instead of trying so hard to grasp one which slips through my fingers.
because i learnt how much the split second decision i made to risk getting it broken can hurt.
you didnt just break it. u stuck th sharp edges of the broken pieces right through whatever was left, whatever could mend.
-

That message is th only one i kept. As a lid over all th happy times i had whn u were thr.

my weirdest thots by far..

ive nv rly been able to understand why sometimes, ppl simply refuse to to take "it's nt u, it's just me" or smth along tt line, as an explanation.
because sometimes, it really is the best reason rather than an excuse.

if we were to attemot to play with a stray dog, say in P.Ubin, wht do we do after th shock should th dog bite us instead of either playing or running away?
we start blaming luck, start cursing at th dog etc. nuf said.
& hw many of us actually blame fellow mankind for scaring those loving creatures, making them so defensive against us?
instead of cursing at th dogs, will we actually take a step back and think it isnt their fault bt ours (mankind)?
while most of u will not agree with my analogy, deeming it as a far-fetched irrelevant illustration, thr's no clearer way i see sense out of th typical "it's nt u but me" thing.

guys and gals blame each other for failed relationships most of th times.
guys dont understand why girls refuse to be moved by their advances despite th sincerity behind,
gals on th other hand cannot make sense of why guys dont seem to see our commitment.
well, hw many times have we girls committed our hearts & souls to that someone bt cant stay throughout, leaving them broken whn they finally trust us?
& hw often does a guy stay th same, sweet, caring person he was during courtship?
nw, who can blame us for guarding our hearts so freakin well, ruling them with our minds instead of letting our feelings reign free?
yes, tt's wht im saying. it has always been "it's nt u (but all those who made me trust yet leave ultimately). it's just me (, my fault for nt being able to believe in u, in myself)".

all those unspoken words, wrapped up and put across. with th hope of getting a reassurance instead of a question in response.
& each time, it only invites further disappointment of "why?/ wht did i do wrong?/ wht sort of reason or excuse is thi?" amidst all other questions.
never th reassurance we are unable to commit to for th nagging fear of letting someone down again, th reluctance of putting in our all as we risk doubting ourselves more should we fail to make good of our word.

thinking so much sldve made me btr, stronger right? sadly no. im just as human as anyone else. maybe even less with my uncanny propensity to act on impulse according to my instinct instead.
yes, im one of those cowards who yearn for love yet am afraid to trust, be trusted & end up hurting.
现实的我好矛盾好矛盾哦。。虽然不断渴望爱情但不愿再受伤，伤害而选择放弃。因为事实上爱情永远不会是想相中的那么单纯，完美。可是尽管如此，在得不到时多想要拥有，也无法放手。当得到一丝不完美的爱情却又无法珍惜。
最重要的是，我无法想象自己再次败给只会把爱挂在嘴边的人也害怕因为不想过于信赖一个人而在有美好结局前选择离开。

& sorry for the grammatical errors. i nv did stop to think before typing. th words simply came pouring from the bottom of my heart.

是不是放下得太快，所以即使大多数时间想起你依然能告诉自己已经什么感觉都没有了。但是当某件小事让你无意间在我脑海里出现时，就算只是一瞬间的怀念都会让我怀疑自己。

oh well.. despite th random bouts of emoness, im fine again xD sunny days ahead (i hope)
other thn being confined to a puny room facing a whole lot of files and a switchboard for 7hrs15min of an 8hrs shift, waking up at freaking 0430 & still hvin to cab over because i fell aslp while showering-.-

i think im one of those rare ppl who actually freak out while talking over th phone. such a hassle searching for extension numbers & differentiating internal calls and external calls. it's kinda stupid to say "Good aft! operator dept Yingting speaking. how may i assist u?" & hv someone say "is this p.e.h?"
another epic one "gd aftn! p.e.h. hw may i assist u?" & th reply? "i know p.e.h. la! who's tt on the line?"
sheesh.. th stupid mistakes i make is depressing max. not forgetting hw i can get lost in th hotel. time to buck up. master basic ops over th next 2 days. stop acting lk th phone will explode xpp

迷恋着一个人的心情就像肥皂泡一样破了就结束。而爱不会让灵魂疲惫。它可以像春天温暖的太阳一样偶尔会给我们精神与安慰，让我们在疲倦孤独的时候会找出这份爱来寻求安慰。 -the new tales of gisaeng

Another blog post before bed..
was going tru pages i "like"d on fb once and removing those i found silly (shows hw bored out i am) when i came across "An Ex is called an EX because it's an example of someone u sld nv get tgt with" and stopped short.
it got me wondering wht i was thinking of whn i clicked on "Like" because somehow, i always end up falling for th same kinda guys. it's pretty annoying, not mentioning upsetting, knowing tt th ending's always th same and yet going ahead with it anyway because my btr judgement fails be each time. & each time whn things start falling apart, th feeling of deja vu's extremely mocking.

nw i really wonder if tts y i nv really seem to take my feelings seriously anymore.
it's fine whn i dont hv to depend on them in cases whereby being rational definitely yield better outcomes bt whn it comes to affairs of th heart im left baffled.

& thn it goes to "All I wnt is to love someone fully, openly, truly, for the rest of my life".
Will i really get what i want? Does happily ever after really exist?
Sometimes while waitressing in banquet functions, my mind wander and i find myself thinking if th couple are soulmates/ th love of each other life etc. Or are those vows sweet nothings merely part of the ceremony.

wish me luck. in meeting th person i can love unreservedly and feels th same for me. & luck to know when he's th right one and not let him slip pass.

well u see.. because life has been constantly fucking me up. so i decided to play along w it, pulling a few pranks of my own.
What a way to recollect myself, to put pieces of me back together. Simply by chiding myself for being too wrapped up with my own games.

things are officially over with jw because i chose not to go w th flow, i wanted to trip things up a little.
an anchor keeps the boat in close proximity to the intended course despite the waves. but it does little in the face of a whirlwind.
no matter wht i did, hw crazy i went whn we were tgt, it was kept within certain boundaries set by the rs. i used to resent t restrictions bt frankly, it's a lil disorienting after being in a rs for as long as i can rmb, to see whr fate brings me.
As a boat in the abovedmentioned analogy, i can only hope th wind & waves be kind enough to take pieces of me or wdv's tt left to somewhere nice. to someone willing to patiently patch me up, complete me simply by taking ownership of me. by thn, i guess i wld be willing & docile enough to stay without yearning for the freedom of being alone.

A leopard will never change its spots. how true.
thr was a period of time i used to be crazily drawn to the scent of people around me. it's like i was falling in love first with a scent, & thn because it seems so essential it makes me want to be with tt person so i'd always hv it. just tt person because unlike a perfume, a scent is irreplacable. In a sense, u hold tt person so dear despite only briefly knowing him because he completes your idea of perfection in tt special way unique to him alone.
& somehow "once bitten twice shy" nv seems to work for me.
Melvin's scent used to drive me real crazy as wdv he did, it suited him perfectly, drawn me to him & kept me captivated for the longest time even after we broke up because much as i loved tt scent, th owner cldnt leave his past.
Whn i met patrick 1 yr later, i still had tt inkling of hope tt things wld work out fine given tt i hadnt experienced th same instinctive draw for the longest time. (how freaking (ir)rational..ikr) anw we all knw th ending. things fucked up eventually.
twice in a row sldve been enuf rite? no. despite my best efforts to suppress th influence of how a person smells has on my emotions, i met someone whose scent gt me really hooked recently.

th only good thing's knwing he cld nv be mine however briefly so im spared th painful process of letting go again(: While im rly pissed w hw messed up i am, at least this time im going to get it right. Get a grip on my already messed up life.

ps/ Damns. i wish my instincts were slightly more attuned to who's th one for me rather thn drawing me to just any guy. passing clouds which perhaps stay a lil and leave after causing a thunderstorm x.x SHEESH!

& for the last bit of daily grouch:

Lash extensions has been a major pain in th ass. i cnt rub my eyes, hve to wash my face super slowly & remove make up super gently nw tt ive to put eyeshadown. sldve stuck to falsies and mascara..
internship started & i havent found humour in hving to wake up at 430am to make it for th morning briefing of a 7am shift.
idk if i wld be able to keep a lid on my emotions/ subconscious mind. it sucks to b crying in my slp over things i cnt rmb whn i wake up.
i dont know if i can get used to being single because im super reliant despite my ironical preference hanging out and doing things alone. & my ability to look after myself has been crippled by being attached for the previous 2 yrs.
idk if i will b able to resist th want to be held, reassured and loved to stay single until i finally meet someone.

& if i promise to be a good girl, will life,fate & love be slightly kinder?

yting l.

Give me presents on 09/10. I love rings, ice-cream, chocolate, candies, piercings & pretty little things.

love lies.

A-H: caihong. charlene. dallas. dengyin. garyim. homing.
I-R: jeryl. jhosy. jiaxin. jocelyn. kerry. linjia. michelle. minee. mireen. munyee. noelle. peiwen. riwei:).
S-Z: sally:). sherlyn. sinyeeL. vengyi. vivian weikaiN. winnie. xiaxue.

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