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Thursday, July 15, 2010
emotions driven. here to blog again cause i cant seem to handle my feelings. only way is to get them to run along my train of thots so at least, i can keep track of how i feel. feeling so lost. feeling lk some mfking pathetic loser. im amused, upset, alone etc all at the same time. laughing at kh & her current life, trying to survive french lesson, attempting to figure out if im really affected by my own rs stuff or if the cause of all th shitty emotions is due to some fked up hormonal cycle or wdv stress ive been trying to ignore. i still smile&laugh & these are true. but at the same time, my part of my thots are somewhere else with the lingering feeling of loneliness and confusion. & th "penknife" thots visited again. this time, im not interested in pills or puking my guts out. i wonder how much a deep gash will hurt. & how long it will take th blood to stop. i wonder if the cut will feel th same as how i remembered it will be. crazy. sick? no. or maybe. i dont know. no. im not nuts. i miss bf alot, as always. but this time, i yearn for him to be by me yet at the same time, im keeping him out of my world. i dont know wtf i want & im confusing him by keeping him dangling between my world and outside of it. there's so many things which happend in my sec school life that evt's in a blur, even to me. i keep convincing myself that even if i told him, he'll be even more confused cause everything overlaps & that evt's btr left consigned to the past. but increasingly., my thots have been influenced by these lil things tt i dont even remember clearly. trying to figure out how i feel exactly is lk picking on the scabs of a healing wound- painful but irrisistable. here goes. whether it makes sense, how ppl gna judge me now after reading it, i dont give a damn. i just need to get this out. i knw ive very few frens and most ppl probably dont like me because i seem very fake/ eccentric. or simply because im very different from other "normal" people. i dont open up to ppl for real. instead, i reveal all the lurid details of my past without ever telling the full story of everything behind it when i attempt to talk to most ppl. & i nv did act lk how i knw i sld/how i used to a long time ago. instead, all i do or say is from th girl i created in secondary school. i feel most ppl treat me as an aquaintance, not liking me but neither hating me. im forever kept in the background unless something happends & i become a target for gossip again. thats how i keep thinking of everone around. im extremely wary of ppl coming close to me because idk if they're genuine abt knowing me btr or simply wanting to dig up bits & pieces they can contribute to another rumour. afterall, i had nearly 4yrs of such shit. being judged & seen as inferior because i hang out w ppl whom most others frown upon, because i belong to "another world", because i f care my studies. being backstabbed and all. im so used to being on my guard it's almost second nature to put up an act all the time to create a mental defense against malicious comments. it's all knowing for myself & brushing aside everything with the though "why be affected by what those idiots fooled by the image you painted for them say?" after leaving tt hell hole, i tht i cld put everything behind excpept for the fond memories i had & start being me again but im so fking used to th way ppl were in sec school that i cant be warm, helpful & a friend to most others i meet. it's lk.. what if i really saw them as a friend and trusted them only to fall harder again? and what if unknown to me, others around me are being cheebye bitches lk those who didnt know me but still judged me anyway? i try to befriend others but the "openess" ever seem to last past th initial weeks. after awhile, i start shutting them out again, never explaining myself & gaining more "haters". these sound like a pathetic reasoning for my personality faults etc right? whn ppl are judging u, truths can be manipulated. ive yet to put in "links" to make this PATHETIC post make sense but i dont feel lk going on anymore. it's more thn half th story. it's more thn enough. judge. i have a bf but i act lk a bitch w him my bf treats me well enough but im always asking for more. im a loser im a bitch who doesnt see my friends and friends. i deserve all th shyt right now. anything more? im sick of coming up with possible crude remarks tossed in my way. like it or not, they exist. fuck it |
yting l. 
Give me presents on 09/10. I love rings, ice-cream, chocolate, candies, piercings & pretty little things. love lies. A-H: caihong. charlene. dallas. dengyin. garyim. homing. I-R: jeryl. jhosy. jiaxin. jocelyn. kerry. linjia. michelle. minee. mireen. munyee. noelle. peiwen. riwei:). S-Z: sally:). sherlyn. sinyeeL. vengyi. vivian weikaiN. winnie. xiaxue. May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 Designer : Chili. x o x o |