Sunday, April 01, 2012

i fucking hate losing control of situations/things i want.
which explains y i bitch alot more than other ppl about project groups when we rush things out last min. it's because i noe what i want bt am unable to ensure that i get it simply because th end product is th result of collective effort from every one else. & most of th time, i know what to do and it only makes it worse (totally lk rubbing it in) bt cant do it myself and be awesome or at least get th grades i deserve because i hv to rely on everyone else when i can just do it. so yes, it sucks.

but th situation now's a whole motherfucking lot worse.
for ppl who dk abt wht im up to, im trying to start a online blogshop. and i noe ALL of u know i noe nuts abt html, photography, photoshop etc (basically th essentials of getting started)
luckily for me, ive gt a awesome bf who volunteered to help with these. so what am i complaining about? MY FUCKING INABILITY TO HANDLE MY OWN SHYT.

u see, in having someone else help w the essentials of having a online shopfront means everything is subjected to another person's availability etc. and this puts me (the absolute control freak) in even less control of th entire situation and what i want simply because i cant do it myself. im not paying for th services of a web developer, photographer etc so im in no position to complain, demand that things be done wdv way i want it and set deadlines to getting what i want. This option wldve been my clear decision if i were goddamn rich or had parents willing and able to pay because it gives me th control i require and ensures my goals and objectives are met all at the same time.

sadly im th begger in this situation. and although im very kindly allowed my options, i do get paiseh for being so damn demanding. it also means i make do a lot because technically, im in no fucking position to lose my temper because im getting th help in need out of goodwill. Being in such a position infuriates me because i am only too damn aware that my inability (to design my own site and get th photos done or at least pay a third party ive absolutely no ties with) is th root cause of th messed up situation im currently stuck in. to make matters worst, im have no other choice and am at the same time painfully aware that im being a total bitch by losing my temper because i cant control all th pent-up frustrations any longer.

ok.. im flaring up again after making no sense at all to this point. but yes, what i mean is tt i either am miraculously able to pay for a professional or i somehow learn how to photoshop and html to get my whole page up. with this said, it's impossible for me to do so because #1 im broke and #2 ive got stocks overdue for 3 weeks. So i simply have to make do because he alr put in alot of effort for th site and it wld be plain mean to scrape th idea of a .com for a livejournal shop although the latter would give me th control i want because i only need th pictures and am able to launch everything else myself. Th thought of what i want being subjected to so many other considerations is driving me up the wall and realising that it goes on even after th first launch but also for th subsequent collections isnt helping. So yes. FUCK MY LIFE.

and honestly after all this, idk wht ive been typing all this while
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yting l.

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