Saturday, May 05, 2012

when i wonder wht hurts the most, i realised it's simply not being someone i wish i was.
hvnt been updating bt this lil space but it doesnt mean tt im dead or any happier (at both extreme ends)
i think ive just been too exhausted. as it seems, ive given up on any personal life i have to work and other ppl.

starting from work... work sucks. honestly.
i dont get why my colleagues cn get super awesome call stats with dropped calls, easy to handle custs and th occasional slightly harder to manage buggers while MY CALLS ARE MOSTLY CASES WHICH REQ A WHOLE SHYT LOT OF EMAILING AND FOLLOW UPS.
otherwise i have buggers screamin yellin shoutin over th phone and refusing to hang up. what a waste of my time -.-
& as a result, my performance is fcking sub-par because i encounter th weirdest cases when im only in my first week.
*hates on work, hates on life, hates on luck*
i successfully landed a "i need to talk to you" session w my manager. the first day we meet. wow.
if it gets any more awkward thn it should, BYE IM TENDERING MY RESIGNATION SUCH THAT I LEAVE IN 3MONTHS SHARP.
but wait, stop judging me because im still giving myself wdv remaining time to mid june to change my mind. & i hope i still put in my very best to th end because i dont like short-changing myself, giving up whn i hvnt rly tried.

back to what hurts the most, im afraid i wldnt have to motivation to fulfill the above declaration

been meeting guys recently. real sweet people & im in a open rs w one.
but i rlsed i cn nv be a normal gf.
i mean.. which girl wld ever tell you that it doesnt matter whether she is in a rs w her bf or not, and thn further elaborating tt she wldnt say anth bt let the guy go the moment he mentions a break up simply because it's annoying behaviour to cling on and beg him for reasons etc.
nv thot i'd be this way.
because despite not minding getting into a loveless transaction-based marriage, deep down inside all i want is a lovin, memorable rs which wld change my mind abt tying the knot with a rich & much older man.

& this hurts because i know i wldnt ever change. i wld nv be that sweet girl for a guy i love. because ive been the girl who gets into rs w guys she grows emotionally attached to, yet at the same time, the girl who doesnt let feelings take the driver's seat in life.

so if i dont know what exactly im like, how the fuck do i get to be myself?





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yting l.

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